1. Overrated Songs of Our Time #4

    ‘One a Day Like This’ - Elbow

    I’m not someone who believes that popular music is inferior or that bands that become successful are “sell-outs” but conversely, I’m not one of these idiotic twats that willingly accepts that a popular band with “critical acclaim” must be good. With this in mind, members of the jury I give you: Elbow. I dislike this band intensely. In fact I try to, I really do, but it’s more indifference than hate. I know I should hate them but they’re like woodchip wallpaper or floral carpet - Just there. Elbow are a big pile of steaming beige. Fronted by infamous Nottingham law enforcer Guy of Gisborne, this man sings like he’s yawning. In fact I suspect he actually is yawning, doing that thing where you can’t stop once you’ve started whilst trying to say “Yes a cup of tea sounds lovely thank you”.

    Nothing sums up this astronomically tedious outfit more than their popular cacophony of bland ‘One Day Like This’. This is one of Doves Elbow’s more upbeat songs and I think it’s meant to be feel good tune. However it doesn’t make me feel good, it makes me weep for humanity. Look at how willing we are to gobble up musical clichés like a group of fat middle aged women watching a Richard Curtis movie. Look at how we well up at Gisborne’s chubby command, the yawning Machiavellian bastard.

    Some friends and I used to have a theory that if you threw a choir and some violins into any song, it’d sell. It was a bit like KLF’s insistence that if you ticked certain boxes in any song you’d have a number one hit. Of course, unlike their throw-everything-at-a-wall-and-add-in-a-dance-beat methodology (which actually did produce some good stuff), this ‘strings and choir’ approach seems to still hold water with the general public. It’s respected, insidious, welcomed. Of course, this method of selling records is no secret, Simon Cowell does it with the majority of the songs sung by his fame seeking soul sellers - but that doesn’t stop the great unwashed mistaking it for heartfelt song writing.

    It’s not heartfelt, it’s a tried and tested technique to add artifical gravitas to an otherwise rubbish song.

    Remove these meaningless trinkets from ‘One Day Like This’ and what have we got left? An appallingly dragging vocal line for the first half and the same line repeated over and over again for the second. It’s guff I tell you; utter fucking bobbins. Even with the strings and choir included it’s more boring than watching carpet grow. An indefensible atrocity and indeed an overrated song of our time.

    September 28, 2011

  2. Overrated Songs of Our Time #3

    Sweet Child O Mine - Guns ‘n’ Roses

    Oh Jeez, just the intro of this song makes me want to puke. Now listen, before we begin I know what you’re thinking. You’re going to make a case that it’s one of the greatest riffs ever written. You’re going to say that it is a good tune in the context of West Coast glam metal (possibly). You’re going to mention how much it’s been played and how over exposure can devalue even the greatest of songs. But no, I reject all those arguments, it is in fact just shit.

    For years I used to hear this song and have a feeling that I couldn’t quite put my finger on; a whimsical notion that I might not actually like what I’m hearing. That’s right, I might not like ‘Sweet Child O Mine’. The song that starts with one the greatest riffs in rock and roll history. The song that’s a modern day classic. The epic G’n’R classic that means everything to everyone and I don’t like it. Did I not understand music?

    Well that’s a possibility but this song still stinks. Don’t agree? Well here’s a challenge: Put it on and sit though it. The whole thing. The song is right there above. Yeah, it’s weirdly more difficult than expected. In fact, it’s utter tedium. Now try to think of a time when you put this on your stereo or streamed it on the internet voluntarily. The answer probably resides under the “never” category. No more questions m’Lud.

    However I can’t let this opportunity pass without a fleeting hatchet job, so apart from the song’s oddly unidentifiable crapness here’s some other bothersome aspects to this overblown whinefest: The overrated riff that doesn’t stand up to scrutiny or comparison, Axl’s nasal voice, the cod lyrics about love that are the definition of cheesy, four - count ‘em, four - Slash guitar solos, two of which are eye-wateringly boring and of course the tact on “where do we go now” ending that is meant to be some kind of nod to the existential torment of relationships or whatever but sounds in fact like Axl’s ego consuming the entire latter half of the song like an ever balooning pile of turd being vomited from a faulty toilet. Shit, shit and more shit. In conclusion: Shit.

    September 10, 2011

  3. Overrated Songs of Our Time #2

    ‘Hotel Yorba’ - The White Stripes

    I’m sorry to say it as I realise this is a popular song, but it is dire. Back when it was released in 2001 and everyone was new to this red and white duo, we gleefully accepted them into our lives. In retrospect, what fools we were. As Jack White has shown over the years, he’s a one trick pony and hell, the White Stripes don’t know any tricks.

    This song, from their début album is like some kind of twee nursery rhyme played at a childrens’ line dancing class. It even has counting in it. Fucking counting. The last song to contain counting outside of Sesame St. was Steps with their ground breaking ‘5,7,8,6’ or whatever it was called (I forget).

    What’s more, what is it? The lyrics suggest we need to take it seriously; there’s no humour to be found there (apart from the counting of course). So is it a punk number? A country number? A jokey number? No it’s none of these things. It simply feels as if Jack White’s pulled the first thing out of his brain (or arse) and offered it up, poker-faced for us to nod along to. It’s the great rock and roll swindle. If this was played by the Blue Peter house band (ok, that’s an amazing idea, I might write in to the BBC to get that ball rolling) no-one would bat an eyelid. But apparently, we’ve got to take it seriously. As in, it’s “art”. It’s the Emperor’s new fucking clothes is what it is and 1,2,3,4 he just looks bloody naked to me.

    March 12, 2011

  4. Overrated Songs of Our Time #1

    ‘Suddenly I See’ by KT Tunstall

    Right, planning on this being an ongoing little feature about songs from genuine artists (as opposed to Cowell shaped puppets) that are somehow considered by the collective consciousness as good or great, when in fact they’re a bit bobbins. First up, KT Tunstall.

    An otherwise very respectable artist who does fantastic performances like this and is a genuine talent nonetheless released this wet fish of a single. Subscribing to the ‘Scouting for Girls’ methodology of sing-it-enough-times-and-it-becomes-a-hook, the song title is sung a staggering 21 times in just over three minutes. The tune isn’t even rescued by a pretty decent middle eight, being that the second half of it is “suddenly I see” repeated four times before going back in to the chorus of… oh that’s right, singing “suddenly I see”. It’s all pretty criminal if you ask me.

    February 28, 2011