There’s a lot of music out there. Really, have you been to a record shop lately? There’s tons of the stuff; and every day another handful of cretins release more of it. How are we meant to keep up? How can we know what’s worth taking the time to listen to what what needs avoiding? Well, using a bit of maths and some snazzy formulas, Music Gob has come up with a watertight way to identify rubbish bands without having to listen to a note. Read this guide and lo! No more shall unspeakably boring bands pour their audio vomit into your unsuspecting ear. Avoid an artist if they tick more than one of the following boxes:

1. They all wear waistcoats (possibly undone, all casual like)

Actually, this fashion faux pas extends not just to waistcoats but to the whole dressing-like-a-street-urchin, Oliver Twist thang. What’s that about? It normally indicates nu-folk, wishy-washy bollocks from quivering voiced public school boys. There’s nothing wrong with a band uniform (look at the Hives) but dressing to fit the music you play is hideously shit. Mentioning no names. Or Sons. Or Mumfords for that matter.

2. There is a banjo player as a permanent member of the band

In fact, any kind of specialist instrument that is going to be crowbarred into every song. Like The Zutons having to have a parping saxophone over every riff they play. Stop it. Time to get rid of that dead weight rather than writing songs around your mate from school who decided to learn the glockenspiel.

3. They look like another iconic band

This is either going to be an insidious ploy by a major label to tap into our subconscious association with other bands that we love or a good indicator for lack of imagination and originality. Take Slough’s finest Brother for example. They fall into both these camps. Listen, you abominable gits, you are not Oasis. And besides, who in their right mind would want to be associated with the God-awful Oasis anyway?

4. They proclaim that they’re going to be huge. Regularly

Brother are so guilty of this, if it was a crime they’d have to be executed twice. Of course they’re not alone. Kasabian did this after releasing their new album and this mantra was virtually the band motto of Embrace. Say no more.

5. They sing in prominent accents (especially cockney) as a form of identify

Lest we forget The Ordinary Boys. Again this relates to the whole street urchin, affected working class crap. If you ‘aint Billy Bragg, don’t do it. Glasvegas take note and look at The Twilight Sad for pointers. Cheers.

6. They are white and play reggae-lite pop

Not of course to be confused with genuine ska-punk which was all about the original skins movement, this syncopated American College nonsense isn’t clever or different, it’s awful. Ok, I admit it, I’m talking about Vampire Weekend.

7. You’ve never heard of them but they’re suddenly on the front of the NME / got a top selling album overnight / embarking on a massive tour

This offence covers a horrendous compendium of cunts. The Kooks for starters. The Bravery for another. Bands who take this route don’t normally last long but their impact is big enough to ruin your year. The transparent truth is that these bands are being pushed by major labels until the cash cow is milked dry. Fine, but all the while we have to put up with them whilst a misguided but influential minority of slack jawed public buy their records like passive crap receptors.

8. One of them has a famous parent

Lily Allen. Enough said.

9. They sing, write and talk too much about the town they come from

Oh Jeez, when’s this gonna stop? Arctic Monkeys’ first album was one big, long ode to living in Northernville, Northland. The Enemy do it too. They’ll live and die in these towns don’t you know. Then hurry up and do it, pigeon-face.

10. They sing, write and talk too much about how they’ve broken away from the town they’ve come from

This is the flip side. It’s the “look how well I’ve done” mantra taking form as the “I’m just a boy/girl from Stoke / Bradford / Shitsville” statement to emphasise how they used to be real people before whoring themselves to a label and please buy my music otherwise I’ll be dropped by EMI without another top ten hit and I’ll end up having to go back to my one horse town where everyone will laugh at me when I have to serve them in Shoe Express.

11. They write songs about working in offices to be edgy and real

Urgh, the major offense of every pub band across the land. But that’s almost understandable, as they’re stuck in it. It’s bands like The Ordinary Boys with their album ‘Over the Counter Culture’ that really grates. We all know how shit it is working in an office and I for one don’t need some cunt with a record deal reminding me. Music is for escapism and telling us about how you once worked for BT is about as welcome in your music as a baby’s finger is in a Choc Dip.

12. They claim they got signed off the back of their “myspace popularity”

Lily Allen, Arctic Monkeys, Sandi Thom… etc. etc. Another ploy used by record companies to justify why some unknown band has sprung out of nowhere. It’s not that they’re manufactured tosh, it’s that they had a huge underground following and you must have just missed it because you’re uncool and frankly a total embarrassment. Go on, look at your loser face in the mirror, loser.

13. Their music was used on the new iPod advert

Apart from meaning that the industry is hyping them as the new sound of youth (or something similar), helping pedal quirky, multi-coloured dancing adverts that make you want to self-harm is no good thing.

14. They’ve already done a collaboration with a big, established star but they don’t even have a record out

Got Kylie to sing on your record? Elton John helping you out? What did you do, just call up Dial-A-Celebrity and see what fitted the budget? Let me guess, it was a toss up between Bono and Daz Sampson right?

15. They have the word Kids in their title or are named after some kind of 80s nostalgia reference

This more applies to small bands that get a bit of recognition. They’ll mostly sound like Johnny Foreigner / The White Stripes / The Kalxons and will generally be a bit shit and will look like Topshop has thrown up all over them.

16. They make a big deal about taking drugs

I’m not talking in songs (as many a great tune has been written about drug use and abuse) I’m talking about boasting about it in interviews and alike to boost a band’s rock star status. Anyone can take drugs, most people just choose not to. Turn it in please.

17. They bitterly campaign against illegally downloading music like a feverish smack head begs for heroin

This is the hallmark of an artist so penned in and defined by standard music industry success and mainstream exposure that illegal downloading threatens their very existence. Atomic Kitten and Lilly Allen immediately spring to mind, both who actively campaigned against it. Of course, Music Gob is very anti-piracy but it’s amusing to see that whilst Allen was salivating with rage about downloading, Norman Cook openly said he endorses the tacit benefit of sharing music with peers.

18. Their title contains an animal, coastal or a crystal reference in it

Mix together Frightened Rabbit, Animal Collective, Grizzy Bear, Wild Beasts, Fleet Foxes, Beach House, Best Coast, Wavves, Crystal Stilts, Crystal Castles, Crystal Fighters and Crystal Antlers and what do you get? One long dreary note of homogenous shit. Originality please.

19. They come from the Brit School

With alumni including Kate Nash, Adele, Leona Lewis, The Noisettes, Jessie J, The Kooks, Dane Bowers, Imogen Heap, Katie Melua, this stage school is quickly establishing itself as the hallmark of cultural shit. Any new up-and-coming artist who hailed from the Croydon based institute isn’t necessarily going to be bad, it’s just that a lot seem to be, you know, a bit rubbish really. QED and all that.

20. They’re Scouting for Girls

Or Keane. Or The Script.