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Boybands: Not Completely Hideous
In general, boybands are awful bloody things. Each one a heady cocktail of dubious sexuality, hair products, a feverish desire for fame, terrible clothing and a distinct lack of integrity. They’re a tragic institution and purveyors of the finest musical crap since Pete Waterman stopped producing records in his “hit factory” and started watching trains or whatever. As someone once said about boybands “these people just don’t know when to say ‘no’”.
However, sling enough shit at a wall and some of it will stick. In other words, there have been some rather great songs released by boybands over the years that, try as you might, have to be recognised for their pop greatness. Of course this doesn’t mean all the various boyband crimes against music are forgiven, but a tune is a tune and here, in honour of the often overlooked boyband gem, is a small list of some of the best songs these compendium of cunts have vomited up over the last couple of decades or so (yes, I’m going to go there):
‘Hangin’ Tough’ by NKOTB
Where better to start than the first real boyband? (No The Monkees don’t count.) It could be argued that nostalgia clouds my judgement with this New Kids on the Block song but the beginning “woahs” with a huge synth bassline make it for me. Oddly, it reminds me of another 5ive people but I can’t place who. Oh, and there’s also a great dance remix of this song that I found on soundcloud here.
‘I Wanna Sex you Up’ by Colour Me Badd
Less bad boy posturing and more sleaze this time with this r’n’b number. Like ‘Hanin’ Tough’ the song starts with catchy vocal “oohs” (it’s as if these songs follow some kinda formula) but instead of rapping about being tough, they’re crooning about something to do with women whilst using the word “sex” as a verb in a flagrant disregard for grammar and syntax. Like it or not, it sums up the pop zeitgeist of the early 90s and is catchier than a bout of chlamydia.
‘House of Love’ by East 17
On this side of the Atlantic the acid house scene was exploding and by the early 90s every new trend that came along had the boyband barnacle stuck to it. So it’s no surprise that the frowning, elevated-hat donning foursome East 17 had a European wide hit with this pseudo-rave chart topper. ‘House of Love’ is a total dance anthem and to this day is often overlooked in favour of Black Box and co. Not to be forgotten and still their best song, this is a blooming classic.
‘Never Forget’ by Take That
Nowadays, it’s difficult to remember that Take That were ever disliked or disowned by our great nation, but in the mid 90s they were nothing more than an irksome bunch of lads who just wouldn’t fuck off. The origins of their repsect could possibly be traced back to this belter - Part rubbish pop but also part huge and pleasing chorus, there was no ignoring it. Also, for reasons that were completely against my will, I managed to see this performed live a few years ago and you’d need a heart made out of papier-mache not to like it, even if the official video makes you want to put your fist through your computer screen and send Gary Barlow the bill.
‘Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)’ by The Backstreet Boys
Back to America now with this huge tune from The Backstreet Boys second album that’s so friggin’ heavy it’s begging for a metal cover (there probably is one but I ‘aint going looking). This song really consolidated the Backstreet Boys as America’s leading boy band who already had ‘Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)’ under their belts to shit all over N*Sync. It’s a genius bit of pop and the video more than lives up to its epicness.
‘Truly Madly Deeply’ by Savage Garden
Several caveats with this selection. Firstly, Savage Garden aren’t really a boy band. They’re not manufactured and there’s not lots of them all with square jaws and no talent. Secondly, everyone knows that their best song is the 80s pastiche ‘To The Moon and Back’ and thirdly who can forgive Darren Hayes for that fucking heart shaped thing he with his hands. Remember that? No? Good. So with all that in mind, why Truly Madly Deeply? Well it taps right into the boyband mainline: An over emotional, slushy r’n’b pop hit about chicks and that. For what it is, this song is top of its game; right up there with ‘Nobody Knows’ by The Tony Rich Project.
Freaky Time’ by Point Break
As the 90s drew to a close, the march of the boybands continued unabated. This song is a personal favourite from the lesser known Geordies that used to star in Byker Grove. It has everything it’s predecessors utilised: The sexual sleaze, the badboy rap, the rock guitar line, the tough guy image (see the video for punch bag heroics), the outrageously huge chorus and (still) the curtain haircuts. Highlights include the “B, U, M and P, G-R-I-N-D” bridge and the wailing cock-rock guitar solo. Overproduced to within an inch of it’s life, it’s a winner on every front and dare I say, a genre classic. Now shut up and dance already.
‘All Rise’ by Blue
At the same time Point Break were lingered at the edge of commercial success new boyband Blue released this thumper. ‘All Rise’ was a soulful swagger driven by a lazy riff played on a, um, well I’m not sure, some kinda harmonica sounding synth I assume. It was an instant success and Blue became the new face of post-millennium boybands. Shoving a rap in the middle of it by the one black guy probably helped give the song some urban edge or something, whilst the memorable counting chorus meant even your nan could sing along. Just don’t tell her it’s about putting a woman in prison for being sexually liberated. The slag.
‘Flip Reverse’ by The Blazin’ Squad
Why have four or five members in a boyband when you can have ten? Looking like Class 4b out on a field trip, Blazin’ Squad were loved by some and roundly mocked by everyone else. But in a period when boybands were starting to delcine they held their own well enough, their popularity peaking with this subtle song about anal sex. It’s undeniable tunage: “Wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha whaa”. See.
‘Blood Sweat and Tears’ by V
By 2004 the boyband trend had taken a full circle and teenage girls wanted their clean shaven lads to play instruments. Busted and McFly were the flavour of the month whilst Westlife and co. struggled on doing their stool-sitting thing. However that didn’t stop UK based V (named so because there’s five of them - get that for clever) releasing this bluesy head nodder. With a distorted bridge sliding into a sparse bluesy chorus, it’s a bit of a tour de force in boyband terms. Shame the public didn’t agree and this début was their only big hit. Still can’t blame them for trying.
So that’s it. A handful of songs for a whole genre. There are others, and a special mention to 5ive for their entire output. I couldn’t be bothered to include them however once I realised how much they were based on NKOTB. Still, there never was much integrity in this game, just killer choruses and salivating record execs. At least I managed to get through the whole article without once saying the fucking phrase “guilty pleasure”. Toodlepip.
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Come because of the music, leave because of the writing.
*SAXOPHONE SOLO*
